Be A Man #2: Talking About Manhood, Masculinity, & Tenderness
There a scene in the movie Friendship, that did not feel or seem weird to me, but it did to most every other guy who has seen it. Paul Rudd and a pack of suburban dads join together in singing an a cappella rendition of My Boo by Ghost Town DJs.
Some film critics called it “cringe fuel”, but I sat there grinning like an idiot. Not because it was objectively good (though Rudd’s mustache deserves an Oscar), but because I’ve sat many times in a group of men and sang a song. Nothing unusual about that to me at all.
Though I have been historically blessed by having great groups of males friends, the last decade has proven to be much more difficult. And there are reasons male friendships struggle.
Efficiency Over Connection
Here’s the uncomfortable truth nobody wants to name: Male friendship exists under a silence contract. Connor Beaton, host of ManTalks calls it “the unspoken agreement to prioritize competence over connection, status over vulnerability”. Men will bench press together, fantasy football together, even renovate each other’s decks—but actually talk about the weight we’re carrying? That’s the real cringe.
The movie nails this tension, as the group of men transition from crooning to boxing gloves. It’s not random absurdism—it’s anthropology. Men have been conditioned to believe emotional intimacy must be offset by performative masculinity. As Beaton notes, “Men often mistake proximity for brotherhood. You can know a guy’s whiskey preference for 20 years and never know his despair”. For men, this hypnosis manifests as transactional relationships—friendships measured by utility (gym partners, career networks) rather than mutual revelation. A 2023 study found 73% of men report feeling “emotionally undernourished” in friendships, yet 61% avoid deep conversations in order to “not burden others”.
But here’s where Friendship subverts expectations. That singing scene—mocked as awkward—actually models disarmament. There’s no irony in their rendition, no sarcastic winks to the camera. Just grown men harmonizing about longing. It’s the antithesis of the stoic contract, and that’s why it unsettles audiences. As one Reddit reviewer admitted, “I had to look away… but also wanted to join in”.
Afraid to Join?
Yet any student of history knows that men have not always been this way. Though we look back and suggest homosexuality, letters of men who lived before us display a love and longing for one another — for friendship and connection — that did not include sexual undertones, not even the code words for sexual connection at the times they were written1.
Why do I mention this? Because generations of men, before now, were much more tender and close than modern men. Throughout history, men who went into war together, returned home and wrote letters to one another proclaiming their love for one another and their desire to be close in physicality and heart and it was so common no one thought it was anything other than friendship. That simply would not happen in 2025.
Beaton’s research shows shared activities (even silly ones) create “portals where men forget to perform masculinity”. The key isn’t forced vulnerability, but collaborative play that bypasses our defenses.
The silence contract isn’t just personal—it’s systemic. As Friendship’s director Andrew DeYoung told Rolling Stone, “We wanted to show healthy masculinity as something that includes tenderness, not something you toggle between”. Yet our cultural scripts still frame emotional intimacy between men as either homoerotic (if physical) or pathetic (if verbal). No wonder 68% of men report friendships becoming shallower after 30.
Breaking the contract starts with redefining courage. As Beaton argues, “Real strength isn’t hiding your pain—it’s risking irrelevance by naming it.” So next time you see men “cringily” connecting, ask: Who’s actually uncomfortable here? The guys singing or a culture that still equates male intimacy with weakness?
For instance, JFK had a lifelong gay friend. As JFK: Coming of Age in the American Century, 1917-1956 there were code words he used early in his relationship and with Kennedy that both he and Kennedy understood. As such, Kennedy destroyed those letter due to his disinterest in that kind of relationship, and the men remained friends for many years. The same is true of many of the letters between Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed. These have been used to suggest a sexual relationship, but if so, neither man had anything other evidence in their life suggesting homosexual orientation, though clearly — given the era — neither would be interested in such evidence existing.