Want Friends? Ask Someone Out!
Making Connections in a Disconnected World Part 2
Last year, I set out on a personal experiment: I committed to having 40 “Friend Dates” to intentionally connect face-to-face with people. What started as a simple goal to deepen relationships became a transformative journey that revealed powerful truths about friendship, loneliness, and the role of intentionality in a disconnected world. Along the way, I discovered that (1) people will put away their phones if you ask, (2) so many of us are lonely, (3) everyone is waiting for an invitation, and (4) spending time on friend dates really does increase your circle of friends.
People Will Put Away Their Phones—If You Ask
We live in a world where the smartphone is king. It’s our calendar, our camera, our entertainment, and, all too often, our escape from awkwardness and real connection. But during my 40 friend dates, I found that if I simply asked, “Would you mind putting your phone away so we can really be present?”—people almost always said yes. In fact, many seemed relieved.
My youngest daughter, Kate, has a friend I’ve become eternally grateful for. Kieran — that’s her name — has given me important language for being with friends: “Hang up and hang out.”
When it comes to friendship, this means not obsessing over whether someone will be distracted or fully present, but simply making the ask and letting them choose. Setting this boundary is an act of self-respect and respect for the other person. It’s a way of saying, “You matter enough to have my full attention, and I hope I matter enough to have yours.” Research supports this: offline, in-person interactions foster deeper, more authentic connections because we can read nonverbal cues, share laughter, and experience real presence. The simple act of putting away our devices opens the door to genuine conversation and connection.
People Are Lonely—And Face-to-Face Connection Heals
One of the most striking revelations from my friend dates was how many people admitted to feeling lonely. In a culture that’s more digitally connected than ever, we are, paradoxically, experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. Recent studies show that people feel the least lonely when they socialize in person, rather than through messaging or social media. Face-to-face interactions provide warmth, authenticity, and the nonverbal cues that are essential for real connection.
This loneliness is not just an individual problem; it’s a societal one. Max Fisher, in The Chaos Machine, describes how social media platforms, driven by algorithms designed for engagement, have actually increased our sense of isolation and division. These platforms prey on our psychological need for validation, creating a “social-validation feedback loop” that keeps us scrolling but leaves us empty. Real friendship breaks that loop. It reminds us that we are not alone, that we are seen and valued, not for our curated online selves, but for who we truly are.
Everyone Is Waiting to Be Invited—So Christians Must Go First
One of the most surprising things I learned is that most people are just waiting to be invited. We all want connection, but we’re afraid of rejection, of seeming needy, or of being the one who tries too hard. Mel Robbins talks about the importance of being the one to reach out, to say hello, to make the first move, in her book The Let Them Theory. Her advice is simple: stop waiting for friendship to happen and start building it on purpose.
In John 15, Jesus calls his disciples “friends” and commands them to love one another as he has loved them (John 15:12-17). Jesus didn’t wait for others to come to him; he initiated, invited, and included. He modeled a friendship that is open, sacrificial, and proactive. As Christians, we are called to embody this same spirit—to go first, to take the risk of invitation, and to create space for others to belong. The early church thrived because of this radical hospitality and commitment to community.
Time Spent on Friend Dates Actually Increases Your Friends
Perhaps the most encouraging outcome of my experiment was the simple truth that spending intentional time with people leads to more and deeper friendships. This may sound obvious, but in a culture that glorifies busyness and digital connection, it’s a truth we often forget. Friendships are built through consistent, small actions—showing up, following up, and being present over time. This is the move to make: extend the invitation, nurture the relationship, and let the rest unfold.
Research backs this up: regular, meaningful social interactions are linked to greater happiness, lower stress, and even better physical health. Offline connections, in particular, foster vulnerability, mindfulness, and genuine understanding. When we prioritize friendships, we are investing in our own well-being and the well-being of our communities.
The Cost of Disconnection: Division and Fragmentation
The stakes are high. As Max Fisher says our digital platforms are not neutral—they are designed to divide, polarize, and keep us hooked. The more time we spend online, the more likely we are to retreat into echo chambers, to see others as “them” rather than “us,” and to lose the skills of empathy and understanding that come from real, embodied relationships. This division is not just political or ideological; it’s deeply personal. It erodes the fabric of our communities and our own sense of belonging.
Go First, Be Present, Build Real Community
My year of 40 friend dates taught me that real connection is possible, but it takes courage, intentionality, and a willingness to go first. People will put away their phones if you ask. People are hungry for connection. Everyone is waiting for an invitation. And when you make time for friendship, your circle grows.