Parenting for Fruitfulness (Part 3)
Telling the Truth. Keeping It Real
When our children were little I had a disagreement with a friend. I mentioned that some Bible teachers and scholars were wary about which Bible stories to expose young children to. He protested. His thinking was that we should “teach kids the Bible.”
I didn’t disagree with that. We should teach kids the Bible.
What I disagreed with was which parts we should teach and when we should teach it. I told him then, and still think I’m right, that he didn't actually believe what he was advocating. For instance, what about Bathsheba’s and Uriah’s mistreatment at the hands of King David? Should we roll out rape and murder for first graders?
He might think we should, except I told him that he didn’t actually believe that or he was a hypocrite, because he routinely went out of his way to not expose his young children to those same events in television, movies, and the news. Rape is rape, whether it’s in the Bible or not and there are mental and emotional stages where kids have not yet developed enough to handle those kinds of issues.
If you agree with me — that all material, regardless of it’s origins may not be good for all ages — when, you might ask, is a good time to begin telling kids the whole truth? Perhaps a better way of putting it, at least to my mind, is how much truth is too much truth?
The Santa Claus Problem
Early on in our parenting journey, Rochelle and I decided that we would never deliberately lie to our girls. We never said anything about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. We put the Elf on the Shelf, but we often forgot to move her from one place to the other. Sometimes the Easter baskets would take a few days. The clues were there. We allowed them wonder without deceit. We never lied. And we did so for one reason: They would be teenagers one day.
Teenage angst and rebellion knows myriad causes, but there is one central cause. Kids enter adolescence and become burdened with one central realization: Their parents don’t know everything. Their parents are fallible. We often gloss over how traumatic it is when the people you have trusted to know everything don’t. For years my daughters thought adults didn't sleep. Why? Because we were awake when they went to bed and awake when they woke up. Discovering that your parents are people comes as quite a shock.
Teens wonder: if my parents can be wrong, what all are they wrong about? Then the walls collapse. If kids have been lied to and parents are fallible, then adolescents feel left alone to figure out the world. This often leads to distance, fights, and rebellion. Plus, adolescence is already — and necessarily — a time for kids to individuate from their parents. This is the time they discover what music they like, how they want to dress, and the like. It is whirling to be thrown into a world when you all of a sudden have to figure out life for yourself.
So much teenage rebellion is borne of kid’s fears that their parents (1) cannot be trusted to tell the truth, and (2) are holding out on them, not giving them all the information. In response, they turn to their peers — who know as little as they do — to learn about sex and drugs and relationships. If mom and dad have been too withholding of information, too prudish, or too excitable around sensitive topics, what else can they think. Even worse, in the 21st Century, teens turn to social media and social media “influencers,” fearing that their parent’s lack of candor is really being “out of touch.” As Will Smith said, before he started slapping people, “parents just don’t understand.”
What is a parent to do?
Tell the truth.
Always.
Parents have to have a deep commitment to telling their kids — in a way and at a developmentally appropriate time — the truth. One way to know if a child is ready to hear the truth is if they are asking for it.
A former student of mine quickly came to distrust her mother and step-father because when she asked about their relationship she was always pushed away or given fragments. Anyone with any sense could tell her mother had had an affair with her step-father which lead the end of the student’s family of origin. Their relationship was tense and headed toward destruction until the mom finally sat her down, in my presence, and told the truth. As a result, there was an extension of grace and the healing began. Turns out the Scriptures are right. Truth sets us free.
Many parents want to keep their kids as kids forever, but a child’s developmental project is to grow up. One of these ventures will eventually win…and I hate to break it to you, but kids grow up, whether parents want them to or not. A parent’s task is to help kids grow up well.
As Mark Twain said, “When in doubt, tell the truth.” Parents have to learn to tell the truth. We must tell the truth about ourselves, our story, and the world as it is. This is especially important in our modern era when so much of our histories are on the web for our kids to search and find anyway. Speaking the truth actually eases the angst kids feel about their parent’s fallibility. It makes us real and trustworthy. It is important for our children to know it is because we have made mistakes that we often know the better paths to take.
Years ago when our oldest was complaining about our restrictions around social media, I told her what is undeniably true. “The world I grew up in is so much different than the world you’re growing up in,” I said. “We are going to get some of this wrong. But whatever it is we decide, I want you to know it’s because we love you and we’re doing the best we can.” She never asked me about our social media guidelines again. I hope it’s because we have had a history of being straightforward, truthful, and honest with her.
Are there areas of your life where you’ve obscured the truth, hidden reality, and obfuscated with your kids? How can you begin to rebuild trust — because that is truly what has been lost. Tell your kids the truth, and see how they grow.