Parenting for Fruitfulness #11
Letting Go
It’s that time of year. Rochelle and I are starting to receive graduation announcements. We are also starting to send them.
Our youngest daughter, Kate, graduates in a few weeks and after a summer at home and hopefully working, she will be off to Abilene Christian University in the fall. The house will be barren with both Malia and Kate both in college.
The house will be quieter and cleaner. It will also be empty.
Rochelle and I don’t fear this. This is the second child we’ve sent off and we learned some of what to do and not do as we enter this transition. With college kids, parents aren’t quite “empty nesters.” Kids come back for long breaks at Christmas and during the summer. There are trips to campus for parents and trips home for students. There are also nice breaks for Thanksgiving (except at ACU…ugh!), and, of course Spring Break. So, we are not yet at the place we are ready to permanently rearrange their bedrooms and open them for a revolving door of guests, but it is something like an empty nest.
During Malia’s senior year of high school, my friend, Amy, whose oldest kids were just a hair older than ours, told me, “When they leave for school, it’s a big deal, and no one ever talks about it.” She was right. It is a big deal. So, I decided to talk about, and I still am talking about it.
With the last of our children heading out this fall, here are some lessons Rochelle and I learned is navigating this season of life:
Deal With Your Own Emotions
The most useful parenting book I’ve ever read is Hal Runkel’s Scream-Free Parenting. The long and short of it is that when parents monitor and regulate their own emotional lives, well, they are better parents. Kids leaving is a grief. It’s a grief, but it’s not bereavement.
You will be sad. You will be excited. Know that those are your emotions. They are for you to deal with and should not be visited on your children. If your daughter doesn’t want to decorate her dorm the way you want her to, and you find yourself mad or frustrated but that or some other event that feels negative right now, that’s probably some emotion you are carrying.
And whatever you feel in this season is fine. You are the feeler not the feeling. You don’t have to act or respond out of that feeling.You’re Not Competing
Parents love their kids and wish the best for them. Problem is we often have an idea of what’s best that no one cares about. Which school(s) they got into? Honors programs. End of the year senior awards and so one. People who love you and your kids love you already and accolades and victory laps won’t add anything to it.
Last year on a school choir trip, I asked a mother whether son was boing after graduation (which is better question than assuming everyone is going to college), and she proceeded to tell me his entire academic career, even which prestigious Houston high schools he had been accepted into. I didn’t ask about all that, and I didn’t care. That was there first day of the trip. I didn’t talk to her the next 4 days. I didn’t care about his resume. I cared about him.
No of us, including our kids, are a barrel of accomplishments.Review The Past
This is a good time to think back through your childhood years together. Those times were like both challenging and beautiful. Look back through the photos. Tell stories about what happened then. The best parents enjoy every stage of their kid’s lives, and it will bolster you for the future to relive what you have done in the past.
Reviewing the past will remind you that yours or daughter has faced challenges before, and they are still here. They overcame them. There will be challenges in the future and they can overcome them too.Send With Blessing
Throughout the scriptures few things have been more important that parental blessing. Find a meaningful way to send your child away with a blessing. For years when I was in student ministry, our church set aside a time, not simply to honor and acknowledge our seniors, but to bless them.
Blessings name who the child is, what the parent sees in them and hopes for the future. Blessings give kids a deep sense that the people who love them will always be in their corner and believe in them. It’s crucial not to skip this step.
While this is not everything to consider in this season, it is a place to start. Maybe you can talk with other parents about what they did or are navigating this season. Whatever you do, don’t dismiss it or make it plain. Don’t allow it to descend into the everyday. Talk about it. Share about it. And if you need to, cray about it.