Parenting For Faithfulness (6)

As Soon As Humanly Possible

How old should my child be when we allow him/ her to do __________, is a fairly frequent and reasonable questions many parents ask. The only parents who don’t ask this question are (1) those committed to treating kids like little adults, believing that throwing them in the deep end of the pool without any preparation is life’s best preparation or (2) parents so committed to helicoptering and hand-holding that at age 15 they’re are still among their kid’s lunches, doing their laundry, and setting up play dates.

But there is a medium between the “right now” parents and the “maybe never” parents. It’s pretty simple: As soon as possible.

How old should my child be when we allow him/ her to do __________? Well, as soon as possible. As soon as possible means that the deep end is the appropriate end after there have been some basic lessons and enough development. As soon as possible is that delicate space between significant challenge and risk and significant enough preparation. Not only for kids, but for everyone, when a task introduces enough risk that it forces the best out of us, to stretch ourselves, and do something uncomfortable, we are in the zone of growth.

If a child is only given tasks in which they are guaranteed success, the task is overdue and they will spend good bit of their lives looking for safety rather than seeking significance. Long before our peers did, we asked our girls to prepare dinner and/ or clean the kitchen. If dinner was burned, then we ate a burned dinner.

Plus, as Jonathan Haidt points out in The Anxious Generation, children want and need to feel challenged, to be given responsibility, and are eager to help. Responsibility gives kids a sense of importance and helps them feel needed.

Rochelle was a master at giving our girls work to do — books to read, chores around the house, etc… — and I excelled, mostly, at resisting salvation. We both refused to save the girls from tasks, even mental and emotional tasks, that they were sufficiently prepared to handle for themselves, even if the risks seemed great.

There simply comes a time for mom and dad; grandma and grandpa to stop doing for their kids. I’m surprised by parents that, even as their kids age, make their lunches, tidy their rooms, wash their laundry, orchestrate their friendships, and more. When our girls were still in elementary school, I announced to them “I am out of the lunch making business.” If they wanted to eat lunch, we bought what they needed and wanted, but I was not gonna spend my mornings making their lunches. Make a lunch or starve. A few years later, I made another announcement. “I’m out of the waking people up business.” This was followed by “I’m out of the laundry business.” I’m fairly confident our girls have worn dirty clothes to school, but that’s their fault, not mine. And they haven’t done it more than once or twice.

All of this is designed to produce a particular outcome. We want the girl’s lives to belong to them. For the same reason we have allowed them to pick their schools, decide when they wanted to learn to drive (or not), pick their own colleges, without our interference, determine when and where to be baptized and even more. When kids discover that their lives are their own and they are not intended to be miniature versions of mom or dad, they are invited to become adults.

We give children responsibility as soon as possible not because “mom and dad won’t always be there,” though that is true, but because they always will. They will always be the primary decision maker in their lives and they need to learn to own it. Wearing dirty underwear to school will teach you this. Not telling mom when you’re out of hygiene products or an ant infestation in a dirty bathroom or nor being about to go out with friends because you’re school work isn’t finished will teach you this.

This might also be a good time to mention that I have NEVER…NOT ONCE…ever asked to see a grade. “I’ve already passed _____,” they’ve heard me say countless times. The only educational marks I’ve ever seen are the ones the girls have shown me. I don’t ask, but they do tell.

This is the point I remind you of something I’ve said before. People ask Rochelle and me about how we raised our girls because they see some good in them. I tell them, “you don’t want to do what we did.” We believe in responsibility and agency. Our girl’s successes are their own, not ours. We are proud of who they are, but the pride they carry because of what they’ve accomplished belongs to them.

God went to a great deal of trouble to give humans the freedom to choose. God gave humans care for the world where God placed us. The scriptures teach us that we will one day reign with Christ on high. Part of the job of parents is to raise adults whom parents and God can trust with a great responsibility. Kids cannot learn to handle responsibility if they are given too much too soon or never given responsibilities that matter.

So, how old should my child be when we allow him/ her to do __________? Simple: As soon as humanly possible.